Do you know ?

Why can't you do it confidently ? Inferiority complex ?

You are like that, so what ? Say it loud. Why are you straining yourself  ?

                                                                     *****

Why am I straining myself ?

Do it confidently ?

Pretend as if there's nothing wrong ?

What do you know ? What do you know about it ?

That position.

That position you're talking

It took me years. Years. 

Years to get used to it, years to adapt, years to accept, 

Years to get blind and deaf to all the saying that would ache my heart,

my mind, my soul.

Even so

You never know. You guys will never know.

Because up until this point, it still hurt, it still pain, it still hard

And I'm still suffering to deal with it

Because it is easier said than done. Because you weren't in that position. 

So, do you know ? Do you ?

:______

p/s: Kita selalu pandang lekeh pada orang. Selalu. Selalu anggap, masalah dia bukannya apa sangat. Tapi di sebalik kita punya 'bukannya apa sangat' tu, kita tak tahu entah berapa lama dia struggle untuk berhadapan dengan situasi itu, kita tak tahu betapa payahnya dia mengahadapinya seorang diri. Kita tak tahu betapa susahnya dia untuk mencari kekuatan sebelum berhadapan dengan situasi itu, tak tahu entah berapa titis air mata yang telah tumpah dalam masa dia menyelesaikan masalah itu. Kita..tak tahu bukan ?

Andai kata..kita yang terkena.

Mungkin kah kita mampu menghadapinya ?

Mampu ?

Pesan pada diri, jangan selalu angkuh. 

Allah menguji mengikut kemampuan hambanya.

Jika engkau tidak diuji sebegitu, itu mungkin karna engkau tidak mampu

Dan dia yang engkau lekehkan itu, mampu.

Shh ! Tenang. Pesan pada diri. Bukan engkau sahaja. Aku juga.

trusty

" Why did you say like that ? You have always trust my words "

" Because I know you well, that's why I trust you. I know you can do it, even more than this."

" Stop it. You don't even know me. Don't you know how scary I am ? Why do you trust me ? I told you, don't trust  me. Why don't you listen well ? Never do this again. Never, show to others this side of yours. This weak side of yours. Stop showing it. Stop showing your credulous nature in front of others. People will easily stab you from the back. You might get hurt "

*unnerved*

                                                                      ******

You should know, trust isn't made by an hour. It takes time to earn. Maybe a week, a month or maybe a year or even more than that. And I'm a type of person that don't easily trust someone. But when I said I trust you, I really do. But, it such a wow when all that it takes to destroy a trust is one second. Ajaib.

알아. 알았다고.
I know. I know that well. Very well.
I know you wanna shelter me. I know you don't wanna see me hurt.
But, pushing me aside by saying " we don't know each other well " when I was trying to console you..do you think it's going to solve everything ? So that I won't get hurt if I don't see that  beast inside of you  ?

More than that, do you know what's worst ?
It's the first time yet you ask me to leave you & forget everything about you

Don't you think it's quite harsh ? I know you don't.

That's why you did it. You wanna know ?

Yes, it is harsh. And it's sorta hurt me, a bit. 
No it's not a bit. It hurts a lot. Like a lot

Now I realized
That actually, it's you who never trust me. 
And that is actually why you never show me once the other side of you.
Sebab kalau kau percaya, pasti kau tunjuk
Sebab kalau kau percaya, kau tahu yang aku tak akan lari pergi

Once the truth has reveal 
Kau tahu yang aku pasti ada menemani
Tapi...mungkin bukan semudah itu
Ya kan ?

Thanks, you woke me up sahabat.
:___

p/s: Belajar untuk mempercayai manusia mungkin bukan lah perkara yang paling mudah. Namun setidak tidaknya, belajar lah untuk mempercayai Dia. Mempercayai Dia yang mencipta. Kerana Dia takkan mungkin lari. Smile :')

Live well. As long as you hold into Him tightly, you wont fall. Take care sahabat !

Fi Amanillah !

1.00 pm

jaw drops* " This is ain't no kiddin gal ! Lainyaaa awak ! " mata memaku masih tak beralih, selepas 5 minit sembang catching up things with each other life.

" lah kenapa ? apa yg lain ? you'll be obviously a liar if you tell me yg my outer appearance have a drastic change " sengih segaris. You know what I meannn.

" hahaha, tak lah. Kite rasa you look so so so different from the last time we met. Even so it had nothing much to do with your physical tapi your style, tune of voice you're using, the way when you talk are sooo much different. Tak tipu "

 " huh ?  You mean..different good or different bad ? "

" heyyy different good lah awak. Looks like you've grown up a lot in that. Matured sangat dari dulu. "

Gelak pecah. " cut it out la wawa. You made me looks like kite sangat sangat tak mature dulu. I know its true tapi jangan la ingatkan kite. Ma...lu"

" Haha, nothing should be ashamed. People get matured as the time passes by apa. Eh awk, cakap lah lagi"

" What do you mean by that ? nak cakap apa lg ?"

" anything, cakap lah lg I'm fascinated by your way of talk. Hehe. "

Jeling. " ugh, wawa. I definitely not going to talk. Seriously, stop menggula me around "

"Haha"

                                                                    
                                                  *******

Benar, ujian itu mematangkan.
Benar, ujian itu mendewasakan.
Benar, ujian itu guru yang paling hebat.

Ingat lagi, Allah hanya akan menguji kita pada titik kelemahan kita sehingga kita melepasi titik kelemahan itu ? Dan apabila kita melepasi titik kelemahan itu dengan sebaiknya, sedar atau tidak keimanan pasti akan meningkat ke satu tahap, kekuatan diri bertambah satu bar, keyakinan dalam diri berganjak menaik satu persatu ? Maka dengan itu, ujian ini sebenarnya benar benar wujud sebagai satu platform untuk kita mempertingkatkan diri kita. Ye dak ?

Cuma kita,

Kita yang perlu melakarkan solusinya. bagaimana jalan keluarnya

Sama ada di garis penamat ujian itu kita bakal merangkul pingat emas, perak atau gangsa untuk dibawa pulang bersama

atau

Kita lebih memilih untuk terus keluar berlari dari permainan dengan tangan kosong. 
Yang hanya dibawa keluar hanya penat dan lelah semata.

Pilihan ada ditangan kita.
Jadi apa pilihan anda ?

:___

P/s: Kaitan maturity dengan ujian ? --' Less coherent and cohesive sangat entry ni. Anyway i think I grew matured a stage after I've gone through one obstacle. Heh. Walaupun sebenarnya tak ada lah matang sangat pun. 

Allah, berilah aku kematangan di usia muda. Allahumma Aameen.  *doa supaya diberi kematangan di usia muda persis Penawan Kota Constantinople * :)  


Fi Amanillah !